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Simple Acts to Improve Safety in Your Community by Misery White

21 Jan

Misery White

This information is for any citizen and is not specific to the RLSH community.

Anyone can be more alert, observant, collaborative and responsive in the safety of their own communities. There are many ways to do so and these are just a few suggestions. Some of this information is very basic and has been cited before on S.T.A.N.D. but I’ll restate it because it’s warrants restating as we plan for 2013.

Seek out Basic First Aid and CPR Training. Knowing something as simple as how to help someone who is choking, or how to maintain an airway, can mean the difference between life and death for a stranger or a loved one! I have used my training almost as much in my day-to-day life as I have on duty or on-call.

Enroll in a free CERT (Citizen Emergency Response Team) course. You are not typically required to be put on a response list, but if you volunteer, you may get called upon to help with a natural disaster or missing person search. The basic duties may differ state to state but generally the courses have the same purpose. Volunteering may simply involve answering phones for an hour. You do what you can with the ability you have to do so. People of all abilities are needed.

To find a CERT class near you: http://www.citizencorps.gov/cert
Most Wanted. As long as you’re on the internet looking for a CERT class, check your local county Sheriff’s Office website for a current list of wanted individuals who have an active warrant for their arrest. These individuals are wanted in connection with suspected criminal activity and are typically believed to be dangerous. (*Do NOT attempt direct contact with wanted individuals. If you see any wanted criminal immediately call 9-1-1!) This may seem like a shot-in-the-dark opportunity but these people don’t hide 24/7. They do go out in public: They are seen and known.

Have your local Sheriff’s Office Tip Line available. Post the number by your home phone or enter it in your cell. If you (or someone you know) have an affiliation with a wanted individual, information you can report that will best help law enforcement can include, but is not limited to:

• Current location
• Friends or family
• Place(s) of employment
• Phone numbers or email addresses
• Who they live with
• Who they are dating or married to
• Vehicles they drive, including any license plates

Join or start a Neighborhood Watch group. These groups are kept informed of crime trends and patterns, which helps participants to be better prepared to spot any crime activity and stop it in their neighborhood. The groups also post signs in their area and convicted burglars have reported avoiding neighborhoods that have these signs visible.

Neighborhood Watch also promotes getting to know your neighbors and their regular patterns so that each of you will be able to recognize and report any activity that doesn’t fit with regular schedules. When you first know what “normal” looks like, you can best gauge what is not normal. Carry a pen/small pad of paper or have a cell phone ready to log any details of suspicious activity you observe. Note times, places, the abnormal activity, descriptions of suspicious persons including clothing, height, weight, hair color, noticeable scars or tattoos, and other distinguishing marks or details such as walk or speech pattern/accent.

By knowing and communicating with others in your neighborhood, you can feel more secure about your property when you are away, and help your neighbors to feel the same. You won’t have to rely on a hero to come to your rescue, because you and your neighbors will rely on each other and empower yourselves in maintaining a safer community.

Article excerpts from Ramsey County Minnesota Sheriff’s Office.

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Olde Acquaintance Not Forgot by Misery White

6 Jan

Misery White

People use the New Year as a time to reflect and set goals, finish projects and/or start new ones. Doing so can only be of benefit in my opinion. After all, it’s hard to know where you are on the path or if you’re headed in the right direction if you’re not clear on where you’ve already been.

I have defined goals for 2013, but instead of sharing those I’d like to tell you about something I revisited not long ago, when I believe my mind was finally able to process and deal with it.
My first night visiting downtown Boston (over 25 years ago) was “eventful” to say the least. I was present when two men I’d just met confessed to a gang-involved murder. They spoke Spanish and I’m sure they felt comfortable speaking in front of me as I was a doe-eyed, pasty girl from Minnesota — where most Bostonians at the time thought we still lived in log cabins and fished to survive. In truth, I had studied Spanish for 4 years and substitute-taught Beginning Spanish at my high school. Though I tried to control my reaction to what they were saying, it wasn’t effective. I was visibly horrified and scared to death. The following 10 hours are a story in itself, and I won’t go into that, but will sum it up by saying that thankfully I wasn’t harmed nor were any of the people with me that night harmed.

I told my family and friends back home what happened. Most of them didn’t believe me; they assumed I was “trying out” a story on them since I’d moved out east to write. I eventually stopped talking about it and the events of that night slowly faded away.

In a conversation with a friend about street violence just a couple years ago, I recalled what happened that night in Boston. “Did you report it to the police?” I was stunned. No, I didn’t. Why didn’t I report it? I don’t know. The honest truth is that it had not even crossed my mind that I should. I was terribly ashamed at that point and didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t felt guilty for not reporting it because I had never even considered it. I must have been in survival mode and think I was so grateful to have made it home again, and was so traumatized by the evening, my mind pushed it away. I felt nervous and ridiculous for doing so, but I did contact the Boston Police Department. Over 24 years after the occurrence, I didn’t know if it would do any good but thought I should try. I dug around for my old journals and found the dates, times, names and details of streets, etc. that I’d documented, and copied it all for the PD. They received it and asked more questions. I answered every question to the best of my recollection. They didn’t think I was ridiculous for reporting it then.

It proved to me that it’s never too late to try to do the right thing, regardless of the outcome. No one could be more critical of my lack of reporting than I have been, kicking myself over and over. But we’re also just human and we have limits. We have physical limitations, and mental and emotional limitations. I was wrong not to report the incident, but I did what I could to set it right. That’s all any of us can do with past mistakes when we recognize them.

George Santayana wrote, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” It’s important for us all to look ahead with promise and optimism to the vast possibilities 2013 offers us, but with the understanding and education of the experiences that guided us here.

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Old Dog – New Tricks… by Misery White

3 Sep

I consider myself an “old dog” these days. I find that consciously or not, many of my comments as I interact with twenty-somethings and younger, are aimed to help keep them safe. It may be annoying, but the warnings I offer are fueled by hope they can avoid some mistakes I’ve made. I’ve made plenty, but won‘t list all of those today! Instead I thought maybe it was time to share some background:

Before everyone carried a cell phone, I carried change in my pocket for phone booths. Before GPS systems mapped out areas and spoke directions aloud, I carried a folded up map with several plotted “escape routes.” It was 1986 when I walked around the Combat Zone of Boston, MA, with a whistle and good running shoes. I’m like a broken record, telling people they should never go out alone. Why? Because I did and paid for it. I didn’t know then that other crazy people did the same thing I was doing. Given the choice, I’d have gratefully partnered with someone else for safety.

Back then, I’d had training of all kinds and had reaped the benefits of having a previous boyfriend who was into martial arts, a black belt in more than one discipline who taught me some useful “tricks.” I worked as a security guard and for a private investigator. I’d been through weapons training, self-defense, and worked several years at a facility that housed patients with multiple mental disorders at a time when meds were not administered freely. I knew how to take a hit, safely restrain someone, and how to de-escalate a situation without using violence of any kind. I’ll even say I was good at it.

It was only natural that when I moved to Massachusetts to be a nanny, and met other nannies who shared horror stories of being attacked, I felt compelled to advise them about ways to protect themselves. Some of the girls barely spoke English (au pairs from areas like Norway or Denmark) and some arrived just out of high school. I spoke to my employer and she agreed that if I found someone who was being in any way abused at her job, I could bring her home and let her stay with us until other arrangements could be made. I held mini-classes on self-protection and what legal avenues could be pursued for a situation. I even created a program, pairing veteran nannies with new girls, supported by the agency.

While this was all happening many of the newer girls would go to clubs acting as if they were back home in small towns and did not take safety precautions. At first I started showing up to make sure that “my” girls got out of the bars at 2am and back to their cars safely, then I started going out every weekend and watching all of them. There were many mornings that I got back with cuts and bruises from fending off another overly-zealous dance partner who wanted to continue the dance with an unwilling woman, or flat-out violent attacker prowling the alleyways, but I always got back. (I firmly believe that was sheer dumb luck with a little divine intervention.)

By 1992 I was tired. Life changes and family needs pulled me back to Minnesota. There were a few times during those six years that I’d come across people who had been hurt and I hadn’t known how to treat them, so that became my new focus. I studied and even became certified to train others to perform various emergency medical treatments.

I don’t know if anyone really wakes up one day and says, “I’m going out to help someone today” and thus begins their life of service. Maybe it does happen, but more likely it’s what we see and experience in our lives that guides us gently but purposefully down that special path. If you want to be ready for it and most effective, you’ll train now. You’ll learn what you can and put it into practice, then learn some more. New dogs can learn old tricks too! Ask for advice or information from anyone who has been out there a long time. More likely than not, they will offer you plenty of ideas. No matter how much you do, how old or young you are, learning opportunities never cease. It’s never too early, or too late, to start.

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RLSH Outreach and Media by Misery White

6 Aug

In the wake of overly-publicized violence and emotional worldwide turmoil, it’s even more important to talk out what’s inspirational and hopeful, isn’t it? Aren’t we all hungry for examples of kindness, selflessness and generosity?

“Places!”

I’m not saying that a person should bury his/her figurative head in the sand, but being knowledgeable of what’s going on in the world means a little knowledge of ALL of it, not just what we’re fed via mainstream media with a sometimes shameful ambulance-chasing mentality. Unfortunately the news is primarily about ratings and we flawed humans seem to have a desire for destruction in order to make ourselves feel better or luckier in life. Learn about local volunteerism and talk about it. Counter the negative with positive. Let others know that caring people exist and that you’re one of them.

“And Action!”

Last week my boss stopped by to touch base and as she walked away, said something about the horrible things happening in the world. I called after her, “Remember there are good things happening out there too!” and turned back to my computer screen.

She stopped, turned around, came back and asked, “…like what?” So I proceeded to talk about the new 171-bed emergency shelter that opened in Minneapolis last month and how the young woman working there often gives away her own sandwich after the food supply runs out, and about a group of citizen activists who were recently out in the terrible California heat, providing nearly 1,000 homeless people with much-needed food and amenities. “They passed out backpacks with supplies and stopped to acknowledge and speak with many of the people others just walk by every day.” That’s a remarkable thing and I’m proud of my RLSH HOPE 2012 brethren who were out there for that event. I enjoy sharing that particular story.

With all the subsequent questions she asked and the banter back and forth lasting nearly half an hour, I ended up “outing” myself. I held my breath a second, waiting…

(Pause)

She said she thought it was fantastic! So I talked about it even more, sharing this website S.T.A.N.D., and Domestic Violence Prevention Campaigns, books in the works that will educate children on responsible civic behavior, funding worthy causes like Child Abuse Prevention, Children’s Hospitals and ALD Awareness… I told her about visiting children who are fighting so hard against painful diseases and disorders, how a ten minute visit can make them smile, and how bringing a few things for them to hold and look at reminds them of how they are stronger than they imagined–that they are “Super” strong. I started talking and purged! It was liberating.

I realized something then. It’s important to share what we do. Criticize as much as you like for taking pictures and posting them, reportedly “bragging” about projects, but I think it’s vital to show people what we do so they realize they can join in! (I’m not going to stop “bragging” any time soon!) I’ve been a little more open with certain groups of people: work (now); church; school; and local law enforcement. Rather than have ill effects, what it’s done is offer more opportunity. Church folks provide me with supplies for homeless outreach, co-workers have donated bags full of blankets, college professors have put in a good word for me at the local women’s shelter, and the PD supplied us with direct phone numbers, have offered information about Domestic Violence shelters that were new to me and even suggested a couple of us speak at one!

“Scene Two!”

There’s a fine line for some, judging how RLSH use the media, but that’s the catch, isn’t it? Use the media without the media using you? I believe that most people come from an altruistic place at heart. Really, if I talk to someone about helping others, most times I’ll be met with a reaction of “What can I do?” or “How can I help?” including some representatives of the much-bashed media. Be ready to advise and/or enlist them! Have some answers ready for unexpected questions when asked, using some examples you may already have seen and heard from veteran RLSH you respect. When asked a question you’re not comfortable answering, use a general statement you ARE comfortable making, and if they ask the same question, answer it again the same way, or when stumped just smile! It’s YOUR message.

But I suggest you remember that your message is representative of a whole lot of others doing the same type of work. like it or not. I feel comfortable in saying what most of you will agree is true: It’s not about us. It’s about what we’re doing, and in many cases how we’re doing it. Share it and watch the momentum swell to new heights. Remember your local non-RLSH volunteers and give them the recognition they so richly deserve.

These are just suggestions for those open to them. I think about these things quite a bit because PR is not my strong suit. I don’t like to be in front of a camera in any way. I get nervous and self-conscious, so I try to memorize things that others have said that I thought was inspiring and ingenious! And, when available, I step back and point to a team member who IS a good public speaker (basically anybody else–use those team talents!)

Realize that while cameras may not be rolling, you are being observed and scrutinized by the general public. Act as if you ARE being recorded, in a way that you wouldn’t mind your mother viewing.

“CUT!”

In closing, I’d like to add that when focusing on outreach, remember these things: Compassion and Awareness. Unfortunately many of the homeless we are trying to help have mental disorders that are not being managed with necessary medications. Be caring, but be safe. Be aware of your surroundings and everyone/everything in the area as you approach. You can’t continue to be of service to others if you are out of commission!

“That’s a wrap!”

This article is specific to Outreach because I believe Media and Crime Prevention/Deterrence is another animal entirely.

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Grief and Loss by Misery White

30 Apr

Everyone experiences loss in their lives. Many people lose jobs unexpectedly, homes, good health, etc. But some lose their best friends, their families, even their children. Parents have been known to sell their homes at a loss just to get away from daily passing by the accident scene where their teenager crashed their car into a tree and died. Rather than be crippled with grief reliving the details of their child’s death over and over, they need to get away. Thus begins their financial downward spiral, perhaps turning on each other, even developing dependence on drugs and/or alcohol to numb the pain, “stuck” in their grief.

Grief and how each person handles loss, is as individualized as our personalities and life experiences, but there are some basics to learn, to help us if we are in a situation where comforting another soul is needed. Search “Stages of Grief” and you will find countless resources. Here are the basic 5 Stages of Grief based on the teachings of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler I find the easiest to understand:

1. DENIAL
2. ANGER
3. BARGAINING
4. DEPRESSION
5. ACCEPTANCE

Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and otherwise small events can trigger a large emotional reaction. If someone lost a child last year, they probably had to remove that child’s name from their taxes when reporting dependents. That may seem like a small detail, but really think about it. It is final. Erasing that name may symbolize erasing that sweet life–devastating for a parent. Take the time to determine where a person may be in their Stage of Grief so you can respond most effectively. The most difficult loss for most is loss of a loved one.

There is a Facebook page Graceful Grieving. The link that follows is that site’s official song, “Crippled Bird.” Please listen. I also promote an organization called The Compassionate Friends Network. They have resource materials that will help you to help others through the grieving process, as well as provide connections that can bond people together in empathic discussion. It was through my fundraising efforts for CFN that I learned how to deal with my own misery.

We often interact with the grieving. Sometimes people simply need permission to feel the way they feel so they can move on. Taking 15 minutes to hear another’s story can jumpstart an evolution of a lifetime filled with pain toward acceptance, forgiveness and peace. We don’t all have to swoop in, capes flying behind us, taking down a purse-snatcher, to be heroic. Heroism (to me) is freely giving something ultimately precious to you, especially when it’s not easy. What is more precious than time? Listening, a simple touch or pat on the shoulder, looking someone in the eye and nodding, hearing their painful experience and compassionately feeling it with them are some of the most heroic acts any one human being can give or share with another. Research, train yourself, and prepare if this is something you think you can, and should, do. The world needs many types of heroes.

It might make you uncomfortable to counsel someone or hear their story, but consider those who most affected your life and how they did so. Then consider these great words by Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” Touch some hearts out there heroes, and save some lives! Keep the ripples of compassion flowing until they become huge waves of love that carry us all to better place.

The Official Song for Graceful Grieving, Inc.
“Crippled Bird” Written by Dolly Parton
Used by Permission Velvet Apple Music © 1995

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Weighing Risk When Starting Out by Misery White

5 Dec

Discussions on forums, facebook, etc. seem to hit the same topics, sparking much debate and emotion. I thought that maybe summarizing a few of these things could help to prepare new RLSH or someone on the fence, contemplating “joining up.”

We spend a lot of time hashing over the risks of becoming part of this community. First thought may be Bodily Harm. How will you protect yourself, your team members, and private citizens from getting physically wounded? First Aid/CPR Training, Self-Awareness, Self-Defense, Conflict Resolution, Non-Violent Alternatives and Redirection… where you begin is your choice. Ideally it’s a good idea to find a mentor, regardless of your age or skill level, master a few of these concepts or others that appeal to you, practice them until they become second nature to you, share your knowledge if you are a seasoned or highly trained professional, and incorporate them into a team dynamic. That may not be practical: Independent study may be your most realistic option, but some kind of training is very essential and encouraged. Youth under 18 are especially urged to seek a mentor. Check out some of the RLSH/X-Alt sites and talk to people. We want you to reach your potential, support you in your efforts to help others, and most importantly to be safe in your pursuits. There are wise people putting together extremely valuable information and groups to help you; please ask if you are interested in becoming involved.

Another identified risk involves possible reveal of Secret Identity. If your Secret Identity is revealed would it endanger your loved ones? Would you possibly face repercussions from those who want retribution for spoiling their plans, possibly those you assisted in incarcerating? Would you be afraid of looking foolish or worry that it could threaten your employment? Anyone with young children who may be at risk of a custody battle will undoubtedly have their status as RLSH/X-Alt brought to public light. Are you ready for that? These are legitimate concerns. Maybe you don’t need a Secret Identity. There is no “rule.” If such things are a concern, perhaps you could focus more heavily on outreach vs. crime prevention.

Weaponry and Uniform alternatives are plentiful and to be most effective, you need to know what your legal restrictions are for your state, or others if you travel out of state for meet-ups. It’s no secret that I don’t carrying common weapons, though I am trained to use a variety of them. I will not tell another person that this is “wrong” if they feel they need a weapon for protection. I do what I feel is best for me, and the area(s) that I may patrol. I live in Minnesota now, but even on the streets of Boston, I did not carry weaponry. That was my personal choice and someday my choice may change. Just please know what is or is not legal, and whatever your choice, make sure it abides by the laws of that state.

Also be aware of how you are perceived and present yourself accordingly. Like it or no, if you do present yourself in public and are recognized, you just became a role model, and have added that responsibility to your duties. Those who do not champion for public causes but instead focus on crime prevention and avoid the public eye may have a totally different presentation than outreach-based counterparts. I suggest being aware of what your focus will be and considering that before choosing your name and uniform.

Please, realize these are just my personal opinions, and I’m in no way saying I’m right and someone else is wrong. I don’t want to start an argument or debate. I just want you, the potential newbie, to know what you may encounter and what you might want to think about before moving forward.

If you are considering a future as a RLSH/X-Alt, you must weigh all the risks as well as the benefits, and, oh yes, the benefits can be plentiful and wonderful! It’s a huge step, but there are many established folk here with a variety of skills and experiences to guide and support you if you are willing to prepare yourself for the challenge, and if it is truly in your heart. “What I am looking for is not out there; it is in me.” –Helen Keller.
If it is in you… Welcome!

A Sad Irony by Misery White

19 Oct

Recently I suffered a family emergency. A surprise phone call at work was from the local P.D. stating that my daughter was in the Emergency Room. “Don’t worry…” Oh?

I have a daughter, adopted nearly 15 years ago. It’s been just the two of us since. In efforts to protect her, I waited until she was a teen before emerging as a RLSH, and don’t speak of her on Facebook. I am the moon to her earth, constantly circling her and admiring who she has become. She is a far better person than I could ever hope to be, with missions and ideals of her own that influence me to do greater things.

My daughter “Aloe” broke up with her first boyfriend (in name only as she cannot date until 16 years old) and is very depressed. She is bullied at school. She has experienced many other stressful and unfair events in her life. I thought she was handling it well… Thankfully, a classmate reported her solemn behavior to a school counselor and Aloe spoke frankly to that counselor about considering suicide. A police officer took her to the ER for safety and that’s where I met them all. I expected Aloe to be a weeping wreck, but she was sitting there smiling. It was then I realized that despite all the efforts I’d made to build her up to be strong and independent, by example I’d inadvertently burdened her with one of my worst attributes–internalizing the negative emotions and revealing only her smile.

We talked. Aloe and I have always been very open and honest, able to communicate in ways that her friends have told us made them jealous. We decided that maybe the best thing to do would be to try therapy to build better coping skills, and see her doctor for medication options due to possible inherited mental health conditions. We went to the appointments, made more decisions, gathered information, and went home.

This is the tightrope we walk. I know it will get better and the sustaining support of all our friends, most of them RLSH, has been a godsend!

Sadly ironic, the things I most advocate to prevent as Misery White have strolled right in the front door and slapped me in the face, screaming, “PAY ATTENTION! YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE!” I didn’t know about the bullying because Aloe was afraid I’d go to the school, full force, and wreck the place in her defense. Correct assumption, but I see now how I should be more willing to discuss what each victimized person wishes vs. what I believe is “right, and should be done!”

So what does this have to do with STAND and new female RLSH? Well, quite a bit as I consider it: Good intentions; helping others; and how it makes us feel. We can offer support, service, resources, and time, but it is always up to the person in need, the one you want so desperately to help, as to how (or if) your offerings will be accepted. Some people may even be offended by your outreach. That’s okay. Some people will want your help, but expect you to do all the work, making it “all better.” You may observe people in whom you’ve invested great time and emotion turn back to whatever pit you attempted to “save” them from falling into. You must remember that you are human and so are they. Choices will be made. Not every day will be the successful one. There will be fabulous days, yes, but ready your heart for the other kind.

Cherish what you have, and try to see others’ experience through their eyes if you are able. My inability to look beyond my own perceptions almost cost me the most important thing in my whole world.

Also remember that this community is rich with those who will support you, guide you, offer fantastic advice, and help keep you sane. You gain friends, brothers and sisters. For me, this is home. I welcome you into my part of it any time you like, and will be here, ready to chat or just listen should you ever need it. God bless you!

Meet Misery White

12 Sep

THROWING ROCKS by Misery White

I have been blessed with a charmed life. Not easy or ideal, but hidden in the ugliness of my experience were beautiful treasures.

When I was a young kid, I had a very pronounced stutter. The tallest in every class, I was nothing but knees and elbows. My family moved often, and I went to 6 different schools in 5 years before my 12th birthday. I felt ugly and awkward, was very bashful and quiet: I made an excellent target for bullies, literally. At one school in particular, a pack of kids threw rocks at me during recess and called me “Sasquatch.”

Sometimes the barrage of rocks felt like an avalanche and I came out bruised and a little emotionally broken, but instead of continually crawling away, hiding from the pain, I finally chose to STAND and take it. In fact I began to pick up the ugly rocks that pummeled me and instead of whipping them back at the source of who and/or what intended to hurt me, I kept the rocks and started mentally polishing them. I will keep picking them up and polishing them into beautiful stones that I can give to others as a reminder that we all have choices. We can choose to forgive and be free, and continue loving and living. If sharing my experiences can be a resource or comfort to others, than I have shared another polished stone and the pain was worth the reward.

In the months ahead, I will share my varied experiences as well as my passions (directly related in most cases): Causes that support survivors of Bullying, Child Abuse and Neglect, Loss of Loved Ones, Violence against Women and Children, Rape, Depression, Stalking and Crime against Women, as well as many others. I also support peacekeeping of all kinds, and anti-crime efforts. We will learn more about each other, and I encourage you to contact me regarding any topic, via private message if you like, on my Facebook page, or email.

I am a Christian. My relationship with Jesus has saved my life numerous times and helped me to get through some very rough days. I draw strength from my faith, and knowing that I’m somehow truly loved, horrible imperfections and all. Through all my own Misery and mistakes, my blackened heart has been made White again through His sacrifice and love for me. I am Misery White.

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